The Voices in Your Head...or are they....

How is it that some of us go through our entire lives able to ignore the naysayers around us?  How is it that those same people seem to find their proper path in life without much trouble?  Perhaps I am missing something and those people face as much of a struggle as the rest of us, but man it sure doesn't seem like it.

I feel like I have struggled my entire life.  I have always wanted nothing more than acceptance from the people around me.  I know that this all goes back many years.  Struggling to be accepted even as a young child.  Being ridiculed for my pale skin and orange hair from the very start of my schooling has never really left my psyche.  Being the second favorite daughter out of two, which means I was the least favorite, when it seems that a sibling can do no wrong has never really left my psyche.  So really every decision I have ever made has been to make other people happy.  What a mistake that has been.  Thirty-one years of a mistake.

My father always told us to figure out what it was that made us happy and then turn that into a career.  I guess that words are much easier to say than to accept.  I was always supposed to become the high-powered attorney of the family.  I was always supposed to be the ruthless one, the one willing to do just about anything to accomplish my goals.  I was supposed to do my time in the military to follow in my father's footsteps.  I was supossed to be a partner in a law firm by the time I turned 40.  I was supposed to get involved in politics.  I was supposed to run for office.  I was supposed to be a Senator.  I was supposed to be the first female President of the United States or at least on White House staff at some point.  I was supposed to be the one with all of the power.  *Insert profanity filled scream here.

Well I'm 31.  I will be 32 in three and a half months.  I am none of those things.  I never will be any of those things.  I have tried for 31 years, unsuccessfully, to live the old addage "fake it until you make it."  I haven't made it.  I never will, at least not at those things that I am "supposed" to do.

I am sick of living someone else's dream for me.  When is it my turn?  When do I get the chance to really figure out who I am and what makes me happy and then turn that into a career? 

I am deathly afraid of failure.  I have been since I was young because it has always been so important in my family to succeed.  Success is the holy grail to my family.  Success is measured in many ways but our parameters include your level of education, your income, your assets, and your advancement in your field.  Notice how none of those things have to do with emotion, or helping others.  This is what I was taught.  Which is perhaps why I have deep down rebelled against it subconsciously for years.

I don't want to be a high powered attorney.  Would I be good at it?  Absolutely.  Could I do it?  Without question.  Would I be happy doing it?  Absolutely not.  Would it lead me to an early grave in some way, shape, or form?  Probably.

Some will read this and wonder why the hell I've waited 31 years to declare my emotional and lifepath independence.  Hell, I don't even know if I have declared it yet.  It's difficult.  When you have people questioning your every move on a daily if not hourly basis, you question yourself very quickly.  When you question yourself, and you are so afraid of failure, you set yourself up to fail because you are truly afraid to succeed.  Whether or not I am afraid of success I don't know.  I don't think I am, I want it more than anything.  What I fear is disappointing others.  I have realized however that in order to not disappoint others I have to live a life that I was not intended to live.  That life leads me to being unhappy, overweight, and desperate to escape.  I refuse to live that way any longer.

This competition awakened something in me that has been in hibernation for years.  Call it my backbone when it comes to those closest to me.  I know now what really makes me happy.  I know now that helping others and sharing my knowledge to do just that should be and will be the foundation of my next career move.  I know now that I cannot live another person's dream. 

I have a new plan.  I am hoping the steps I take in the next few days and weeks will get me to the next stop on this path.  My cousin told me when we had lunch together this past Thursday that he sees I am really happy.  I am.  I've wanted this for so long.  I can't allow anything to de-rail that progress at this point. 

So to those who may read this who may be naysayers, "Shut up.  I no longer hear you, nor do I wish to.  You can either accept the choices I make and the path I have decided to take my life, or you can just not be a part of it.  Perhaps that is harsh, but I don't need the negativity in my life at this point.  So please, just support me.  That is all I ask."