Week 4 Details

Well week 4 is done.  I'm still feeling very strong, but have had a couple of small issues with my knees this week, and my feet.  I did have a few victories as well.  On Thursday I put on the pair of jeans that I bought over a year ago that I haven't been able to wear since I bought them.  They're longs, of course, so I had to put on heels to wear them.  First time I've worn heels since knee surgery.  Well that didn't go so well.  I ended up with very swollen feet, but I ignored it and went to cycle class that night.  Ended up trying to compensate with my knee, and that of course was a bad idea.  So I spent Friday icing and recovering and got back to it this morning by doing pilates.  I did a little cardio later in the day, and burned quite a few calories washing the dogs.  I'm definitely in a much better place today and ready to get back at it.

There are a few things still bothering me.  First is that I feel like I'm abandoning my friends in some way.  Almost like when a girlfriend starts a new relationship and they disappear off of the map for a while.  I did that with my ex-husband and I don't want to do it again to my friends for any reason.  However, at the same time, this competition and my ultimate goal of losing the weight for good, are very important to me, and I would hope that my friends understand why I can't go out very much, and why I am occupied so much during the week.  I know that there is probably a balance out there, but until I lose this weight and get to my goal, I'm not sure that there is a "balance."  For me it's almost all or nothing right now when it comes to working out and putting all of my effort into this.

Second, I know that a large chunk of this struggle is mental.  I was working on TT stuff today and had the TV on in the background and Celebrity Fit Club was on.  I haven't watched TV in a while, but this episode they were discussing anger, and having to let that anger go before real change can be accomplished in someone's life.  I couldn't agree more.  I think that all of us in this competition harbor anger, resentment, disappointment, rage, whatever...some emotion that is holding us back from accomplishing our true goals.  I am trying to get my head around what those emotions are within myself.  It isn't an easy process, but I feel it is necessary to success in this program.

Finally, I have begun to really take a look at the outside stressors and situations in my life that absolutely need to be changed in order for me to succeed at this.  There are a few that I can change quickly, and then there are others that will take true effort to change.  The question then becomes, "when am I going to have time to change these things?"  I feel like the weekends go by far too qiuickly, and that I don't have enough time to accomplish the things that I need to get done.  With the whole spring forward in time this evening, I'm even more wary that I'll be losing an hour.

I have no idea why I am having a stressful day.  I think that the best route is to just go to sleep and to begin a new day tomorrow.  Tomorrow is always a new day.  I don't feel "off track" so to speak, but I guess with other things in my life that I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I would usually turn to food at points like this in my life, and I am fighting that urge every minute right now.  I need my friends, I need my family, I don't want to lose anything...except the weight.